Team someone should call child protection services…

****Warning there is going to be a lot of snark and bitching in this post****

This week, Lauren and I did our usual Tuesday night movie night ritual (future post about that), going to see THE TWILIGHT SAGE: ECLIPSE. This is the third installment of the 4 book/ 5 movie TWILIGHT franchise, marking the third time I’ve come out of these movies wondering how these films/ books are a worldwide phenomena.

In the past I have tried and failed with the world wide phenomena book turned movie franchises. There was the wildly successful LORD OF THE RINGS trilogy which I found too boring and complicated for my barely teenage brain to want to follow. This was followed by HARRY POTTER AND THE MORE THAN A DECADE IT TAKES TO COMPLETE SEVEN YEARS OF SCHOOL, which was never really for me either. I understood the premise of these and, having friends who read and/ or watch both sagas, sometimes was interested in stories of them I just preferred not to take part in the mass hysteria because of the boring parts. But TWILIGHT is different, TWILIGHT intrigues me.

The basic premise of the saga, in case you live in Narnia or on the moon, is there is a girl caught in a love triangle between a vampire and a werewolf. I like love triangles and, being a fan of TRUE BLOOD, figured that the mythical elements of the story might be allegorical for some very real form of teenage angst. After three films I realize it is not. But this isn’t my issue either, I like mythical stuff. My problems with these stories (including the parts that haven’t been released thanks to Lauren telling me the plot of BREAKING DAWN) break down to three main issues: breaking pre-established rules, plagiarism, and total lack of any foundation in life.

Breaking the Rules:

Vampires don’t sparkle. Tales about the damned have existed for centuries and yet the Cullens (and later the rest of the vampires in the series) are the only ones to glow like fairy princesses every time the sun shines on their pale skin. Which brings us to my next point, vampires can’t go out until the sun goes down. Not because their skin get’s a bit of a shimmer to it but because they are so purely evil and so beyond the salvation of God that when light shines on them they burn up from the inside out.

Plagiarism:

Whatever author Stephanie Meyer didn’t completely make up in her head, she lifted off of other stories. The similarities to TRUE BLOOD alone are uncanny. Both have a love triangle. Bella must choose between Vampire Edward and Shape-shifter Jacob. TB’s Sookie Stackhouse spend most of season one deciding between Vampire Bill and Shape-shifter Sam. And by the way, before Charlene Harris wrote the TRUE BLOOD books there was no such thing as a shape-shifter, there was only werewolves*. The latest thievery occurred when Ms. Meyer wrote a novella, THE SHORT SECOND LIFE OF BREE TANNER, which tells the story of the (after) life and love of a teenage girl turned vampire which is the exact plot line of TB’s Jessica.

Lack of Foundation in Life:

If there is one thing that I cannot stand is a movie that breaks pre-established rules. I understand that these movies are a fantasy; however, these people are supposedly living in our world so our rules apply. Bella’s mom got married in the first part, sending her to live with her Police Chief father. So far so good. Almost immediately, and throughout the franchise, weird things start to happen like animal attacks and teenagers disappearing. Nobody knows that these things happen more than the police yet Bella is allowed to run around at all hours of the day and night, hang out in the woods, and even goes away for days without her father giving her a can of mace. Yet we are supposed to believe that her father is a good and loving father because he gets angry when Edward breaks his little girls heart?

And while it is true he shoots the sparkly one a few cold glances; he never tells Bella she can’t date him. He never tries to stop it, even when she repeatedly comes home with horrible injuries she has sustained from being a bystander to the Good Vampire v. Bad Vampire war. If we are to believe that Chief Head up His Booty has no idea that mythical creatures exist, than clearly Edward is an abusive boyfriend.

I guess it shouldn’t surprise me that Bella’s post-college plans aren’t questioned, but it still does. She will be turned into a vampire but says that she is going to go to college in Alaska (because who wouldn’t want to do that) and will never be able to visit again. Shouldn’t this be a red flag for dear old dad? I mean shouldn’t this be the point when he goes to her supposedly best friend Jacob (who is never questioned about his lack of ever wearing a shirt) and ask if he’s noticed any odd behavior from Bella?

And while I’m on the topic of Jacob, he says that he will try to protect Bella until her heart stops beating but then, why doesn’t he do everything in his power to stop? Apparently there is some sort of code of silence among mythical not to talk about being mythical (you know like Fight Club?) so he can’t just say, “Sir I don’t think Edward and Bella are right for each other because he’s a vampire and if we don’t do something to stop this, she’s going to be one to.” I’m fine with that because I personally don’t think anyone would believe that but what about, “Edward is trying to kill Bella and if you don’t stop him, she’ll let him because she’s blinded by love.” ?

I’d love to complain about how no girl would choose to drink blood and never experience adult life over growing old in the arms of the more attractive (and alive) boy, the hear wants what it wants so it’s not technically a lack of reality based foundation.

Now will I see Breaking Dawn? Absolutely! I’ve seen more than half of the saga so it seems stupid to quit now. Also, I am not a quitter and, besides, maybe I’ll find a deeper meaning to the senselessness and if not, at least more to be baffled about.

*The difference: Werewolves turn due to stages of the moon after being bitten by another werewolf whereas shape-shifters have a genetic thing that enables a change that they can control.