Highline in Bloom

In June I posted pictures of the Highline that i had taken in the beginning of Spring (see here)
Therefore, being that it is the beginning of Summer, it seems like a good time for updated pictures.

You have no idea how strong you are part 2: Finding a new normal

In my last blog I talked about the greatest loss of my life and the second worst thing that has ever happened to me and I mentioned that these were pacified by, first- the childhood belief that my parents would make everything ok, and later- pretending to be better until it actually was. But how does one go on when the solution isn’t that simple? This brings us to the single worst thing that has ever happened to me, the moment that everything in my life changed.

15 years ago, my left thumb got caught in the hinge of a faulty door in my elementary school. Due to that awesome trauma-blocking mechanism I mentioned the actual time I spent stuck in the door is blurry and what I do remember plays out like (and often as) a horrific dream so I’m not going into it but a quick rundown of some of the circumstances and subsequent psychological effects that remained from them.

*There was an enormous amount of my blood everywhere- The sight of blood now can set me off on an irrational panic
*Very large needles were used to numb me- where as blood can cause irrational panic, needles WILL cause a panic. At the age of 24 (almost) I cannot get an inoculation without having my mother present. When blood is drawn I need to be held down and kept calm.
*I was walking through the hall alone at the time of the incident- I am highly uncomfortable (and at time downright nervous) being alone. It’s not a fear of being attacked and unable to save myself because the feeling do not flair up while I am babysitting anybody two or older (I’ve thought hard about this because a tot can hardly be considered more company than an infant but they are old enough to get a phone and possibly dial 911, which is the only explanation I can come up with.)

So yes there are a few things that have lingered, but those things aren’t too major. When I say that it was the moment that everything in my life changed I’m not talking a few neuroses. I mean that was the moment I became an adult in the way I thought. My finger was hanging on by a tiny piece of skin, basically detached and doctors were not sure they could save it (luckily they did) and if they could, how useful it would be. I might not have known a lot about life at nearly 9, but I knew that this was not something that my parents could make “all better.” For the first time I was dealing with something that might not be fixable. Even after the stitching and extensive repairs, I had lost a bone and no doctors could predict what ability I would have (by the way I am left handed.)
I was bandaged to some degree for most of the summer and when the bandages were being changed, my nail-less, blood stained, stitched up hand looked like something out of Frankenstein and I remember clearly thinking that I was a freak who was deformed. Furthering this thought, was the helpless feeling that accompanied being unable to do simple tasks like using cutlery simply because my entire life, I had been using my left hand. Imagine, every time you go to do something having to use the wrong hand or have someone else do it for you. As time went on, I adapted and healed and slowly but surely I regained abilities that the doctors worried I wouldn’t. After extensive physical therapy, I was left with only a few physical issues.
*I cannot write (handwrite) for long periods of time without pain. Solution: tape recorders, copying notes, typing
* During the winter, when everyone else’s hands get cold and tingly, my scars get so cold they burn. Solution: I wear two pairs of gloves, try to keep hands warm, often blow on my thumb or put it in my mouth to warm it.
*I can only bowl 1 game without pain. Solution: for the amount of time I go bowling, this is not really an issue.

Then there is the scar. I will never have a normal looking thumb and I would look at it every day and think about that. I was really pissed and I reacted in a way that little girls aren’t supposed to. I blamed God; I mean what 9 year old does that? I refused to go to church because I didn’t understand how the God I’d learned about would allow this to happen to me. In retrospect, this is probably the closest a child has ever come to converting to Atheism. Then I got some of the greatest advice anyone has ever gotten: You cannot hide from God.

A family friend, who was a priest, heard about my anti-church situation and asked me about it and I flat out told him the same thing I just told you. Here I was this little girl telling a priest how his boss sucked. I mean that kid had guts, lol. He then told me I was right but that I shouldn’t stop going to church or stop praying. Rather I needed to tell God off, he failed when I needed him and I wouldn’t take that without a fight. I never forgot that talk and have kept it with me.

So now the mandatory point to all of this, people are stronger than they think they are. I don’t know when I stop seeing my scars and started to just see me again but it happened. So if that scared little girl can become a slightly neurotic but otherwise reasonably normal woman 15 years and several minor adjustments later, I believe anyone can do anything.

You have no idea how strong you are...Part 1

This is not some silly blog about my being able to pass by the magnolia bakery and not stopping (although I did do that today at the Grand Central location) or one of those blogs from someone who's never had everything vanish in a heartbeat telling those who have, "you can do it. "I hate those writers and could never tell people going through something it's going to be okay when all signs point to it not being ok.

Take the people in New Orleans who lost everything in Katrina only to rebuild and have their livelihoods jeopardized of demolished because of the oil spill. I don't know how you ride that out, I don't even know how they had the courage to rebuild to begin with. I honestly don't know that I could because I think I am a bit of a coward and the thought of choosing between fight or flight, my hypothetical choice is always run away.

I recently read a story about a couple whose baby passed away at two weeks old and my reaction was, "how do you go on? I think I would die." this is not an uncommon reaction to tragedy, I said the same thing when I heard about Anderson Cooper's brother's accidental suicide and the day David Cook announced his brother's death from cancer. When young people die it isn't normal and loosing someone so close to you, I can't imagine anything but feeling half empty and the constant thought of "why not me? Why was I spared?"

My uncle died when he was 40 and when I think about it, I don't know how my father went on from there. I know that it must have changed him because how could it not, but I was six at the time and you don't really think about that kind of thing at that age. It is, I believe, the greatest loss so far in my life but i did not know it then. When you are six, forty is old and death happens when you get old.

The only thing I knew was that 1. I would never see him again, which made me sad and 2. Everything would be okay because I had my parents and no matter what happened, they would always make things ok. Children are narcissists and the only thoughts are of themselves and the present, as they should be. You never think about, to quote the MWK song Vera, "all the life you'll never be here.” I still think about my uncle, mostly around holidays or on important days in my life but sometimes for no reason at all, and I know that his death changed my life because we are shaped by everything that happens. However, I was so young and it was so long ago that I don’t really think about how or who I would be had he still been with us.

I went on because I never really thought i had an option. Like everything else that happens to a six year old, it didn’t seem odd, it was just what happened and soon enough Thanksgiving came which was exciting.

However, how could the people who actually understood how long "never" is, people who understand the difference between sadness over cutting your finger and sadness of death, get through a holiday? I think the truth is, we all fake it. When something life changing happens we fake being better, maybe it's to look brave or maybe it's some animal instinct we inherited through evolution.

Take for example, the second worst thing that has ever happened to me. Two days bore Christmas in 2004 I was in a car accident, which is to say I was rammed on the driver's side at a speed the turned my car and moved it up the street. Do to some inherent mechanism in the human brain (or at least my brain) that blocks out the actual traumatic incident I don't remember the impact. My memory goes blank after seeing that nothing was coming at the intersection until I am sitting in the car thinking "I’m alive”, hearing someone telling me to call 911, and asking if I could get out of the car. what I do remember clear as day is the police, my mother, later my father, and everyone else I saw that evening looking at the car astonished that I walked away unharmed. I was told that I was lucky to be alive, and I believed it. My car was not as fortunate and four months after getting my first (cute little blue) car, I got my second car.

It was a White Toyota in amazingly great condition and only slightly bigger than my old car. When I test-drove it, I told my parents that it was the right car for me and they bought it for me on the spot. I HATED IT! It was a lovely car but I had been traumatized. The car felt huge and I thought I was going to hit everything in sight. Everyone told me how brave it was to drive after such an ordeal, in reality I shudder at the thought and prayed every time I was going to drive that God keep me safe and out of accidents. What choice did I have though; I had places to go including the second semester of college, which I commuted a half-hour to three times a week via the highway.

So I let everyone believe that I was fine and soon enough the fear subsided. Five and a half years and no accidents later, my Toyota and I have a very loving relationship and I almost never panic that something is going to happen.

To Be Continued

Music Friday?

It doesn’t exactly have the same ring to it as Music Monday does it?

So I miss a 6:49 train home from Grand Central by mere seconds, which normally leads to a profanity laced train of thoughts as I look for the track for the 7:30 track. Today wasn't much different except that when I got to track 25, what should be directly in my peripheral vision but a sign reading "ARE YOU HERE FOR THE ROCK SHOW?" My reaction? "What rock show, where?” because, no I was not intending to be but, so long as I am waiting, don’t mind if I do.

The band, whom I actually could not see due to the fact that Vanderbilt Hall had sheets up blocking the stage, I quickly found out is called Band of Horses (got to love twitter) and they are actually pretty good. Full disclosure, there were announcements being said so I can't say exactly how good but it was an enjoyable way to kill a half hour and I will definitely be checking them out more thorough and you should too.

Official Band of Horses website www.bandofhorses.com

MySpace www.myspacecom/bandofhorses


A little background on the band (as told by Wikipedia)

Ben Bridwell (vocals, guitar) formed Band of Horses in 2004 after the break-up of his previous band, Carissa's Wierd, along with bassist Chris Early and drummer Tim Meinig. They were soon joined by former Carissa's Wierd bandleader Mat Brooke (guitar, vocals).[3] The band initially received attention from Sub Pop after opening for Iron & Wine during Seattle area shows. In 2005, the band released Tour EP, which was sold at shows and on Sub Pop's website.
Their first full-length album, Everything All the Time, was recorded in 2005 with producer Phil Ek and released by Sub Pop on March 21, 2006. The album features the band's original four-piece lineup, although both Tim Meinig and Sera Cahoone receive drumming credits.[4] Bridwell, Meinig and Early did not see eye to eye creatively and the two left soon after the recording of the album.[5] For the subsequent tour, Joe Arnone (guitar and keyboards), Rob Hampton (bass and guitar), and Creighton Barrett (drums) were brought in to play with Bridwell and Brooke.
The album's first single, "The Funeral", has been used in numerous television series, films, video games, and advertisements. On July 13, 2006, the band performed "The Funeral" on the Late Show with David Letterman without Brooke, who had left the band.[6] He subsequently formed Grand Archives, who have since signed to Sub Pop[7] and released two albums.
Brooke explained how he joined Band of Horses, "So they ended up getting a show opening up for Iron and Wine in Seattle and Ben asked if I would just come up and do a couple songs, just 'cause we're friends. So...I did that. It was fun and then a couple of Iron and Wine tours came up...and then next thing I knew, we were in the studio making a record for Sub Pop." And why he left, "I'd never really given the commitment to be a formal member It was just a spur of the moment...and Everything All the Time took off really fast...I still didn't feel quite committed. It was still 100 percent Ben's project and I kinda wanted to see what else I could do."[8]
[edit] Cease To Begin

Ramsey and Bridwell in vocal and sartorial harmony at Amoeba Records, October 10, 2007
Before recording their second album, Bridwell decided to relocate the band from Seattle to his native South Carolina.[9] He said, "We were touring so much that nowhere was really home, so I figured...if I’m gonna come home after these long stretches of traveling, it would nice to be around my family...I’m close enough so I get to see them at least twice a year."[10]
Band of Horses' second album, Cease to Begin, was recorded in North Carolina and produced by Phil Ek. It was released on Sub Pop Records on October 9, 2007. The album features the core trio of Ben Bridwell, Creighton Barrett, and Rob Hampton, with keyboards played by Ryan Monroe. Cease to Begin gave Band of Horses their first hit in the U.S. by reaching number 35 on the Billboard 200 and was voted ninth best album of 2007 by Paste magazine[11] and 47th best by Rolling Stone.[12]
Following the release of Cease to Begin, Monroe became a permanent member of the band, along with new recruits Tyler Ramsey (guitar and vocals) and Bill Reynolds (bass). This made Band of Horses a six-piece band, with Rob Hampton now only playing guitar. In addition to his role in the band, Ramsey has performed solo as the opening act before live performances by the band.
In 2008, Band of Horses played at the Glastonbury Festival, T in the Park, the Bridge School Benefit concert, and the Roskilde Festival.
[edit] Infinite Arms

Ben Bridwell playing with Band of Horses at the Outside Lands Festival 2009
In May 2009, producer Phil Ek stated that he was recording the third Band of Horses album in North Carolina[13] Ben Bridwell mentioned that the new album was titled Night Rainbows several times while introducing new songs during the band's summer 2009 tour,[14] but in a March 2, 2010 interview, the band revealed that the album was to be called Infinite Arms.[15] Prior to the recording of the album, Rob Hampton left the band. He was later replaced by Swedish guitarist Ludwig Böss, although Böss does not appear on the album and on March 19, 2010 it was revealed that he too had left.[16] The album was recorded by the current five-piece lineup of Bridwell, Ramsey, Reynolds, Barrett, and Monroe.
Infinite Arms was released worldwide between May 14 and 19, 2010 on the Columbia, Brown, and Fat Possum labels. Aside from the North Carolina sessions at Echo Mountain Studios, parts of the album were recorded in California The album was self-produced by the band, with additional production from Phil Ek.
On April 20, the band appeared on the BBC television series Later... with Jools Holland, promoting Infinite Arms by playing new songs "Compliments," "Factory", and "NW Apt". Following this appearance, the band's two earlier albums entered the UK Top 200 for the first time.[17] Infinite Arms entered the UK chart at number 21, giving Band of Horses their first top 100 UK chart hit and debuted at number 7 on the Billboard 200, far exceeding the performance of Cease to Begin.
The band have contributed a new track, "Life on Earth" to the soundtrack album of the Twilight Saga film Eclipse. The album was released on June 7, 2010.[18]

Phil Marshal Meets Chatty Cathy

Way back in April I mentioned English (via Oklahoma and Texas) singer Phil Marshall and how he was very graciously giving out free music. I have personally been wanting to see Marshall for over a year and have even gotten close a few times, only to have life intervene every time. I have attempted and failed to see him at several New York bars as well as a hotel in Washington D.C. I was really beginning to believe that it was my destiny to never see Phil until, at long last, and after a series of events rivaling that of a badly acted comedy I finally was privy to one of his show. Where you may ask? Well in the backyard of a fellow fan of course!**

Strange, perhaps but I feel it really is the greatest way to be introduced to Phil. There we were, maybe thirty of us all, circled around as he strummed he guitars and cooed his music. It was all very “Friends around the bon fire” vibe. Here are some pictures I snapped.

As for the Chatty Cathy thing, let me explain something; I am very shy. Once I get to know you I am a chatter bug and can talk your ear off for hours. I am not exaggerating about the shyness though, in my opinion the panic of calling people like the pizza shop goes beyond a tad timid. Therefore common sense suggests that I should have a severe almost phobia of walking over and talking to complete strangers, and I do. When at concerts, I am hardly the person striking up a conversation with my fellow patrons while waiting. No, that is not me I am the one standing quietly talking to my friend or friends that I came with hoping that I don’t seem like a snob.

That being said I don’t seem to have this problem with the actual artists. I’ve talked about my conversations with Ryan Star and there are countless others with other performers. Talking to Phil was no different. To break the ice I went over and apologized for staring at him but explained that he has a striking resemblance to my cousin-in-law (true.) This led to discussions about teaching oneself guitar (“Oh you’re a lefty like Cookie”) which, once he brought up David Cook, evolved into me saying how Cook stole bassist Monty Anderson from him (“Oh no Monty will always be mine!”) and laughing about my encounter with Anderson when I met him in Atlantic City (“He said that? Oh that is soooo Monty.”) I was even so at ease with him that I might have mentioned how a drummer he is going to perform with soon really gets around. I meant how in the year since I’ve heard of said drummer, he’s performed with about 6 acts but I also know what it sounds like and it didn’t escape Phil (“yeah that’s what she said!!)

I talk to the performers the way I do friends. It is strange phenomena that could be attributed to the fact that my chosen occupation is Entertainment Journalism or the fact that I went to an arts college so maybe I am most comfortable with those who create. I would credit alcohol, the social lubricator, except that I used to work for a radio station I was equally as comfortable (although not as joking) with acts including such as the Jonas Brothers. For the record I am not a drinker and have never been drunk however my mother once told me that she always can tell when I’ve had as little as one drink because I become Chatty Cathy. This, I am guessing explains the truly odd part of the evening.

After the performance was over I was feeling a bit uncomfortable surrounded by my fellow fans and was heading over to the hosts to thank them and leave. Mind you the fans were nothing but friendly and all of them have the same musical tastes as I do but I am socially awkward. However, as I was leaving a group of girls asked why I was leaving so soon and I decided to stay and chat (blame the wine I was sipping with Phil.) The next thing I know, I’m laughing with these girls and realizing that we have been to about 15 shows together and never met and I’m not socially awkward anymore. I don’t know where this girl who fits in with rock stars and laughs it up with strangers is but I like her and it makes me sad I can never meet her.

**If this sounds like something you want to do you actually can book Phil to do a show for you, any kind of show you want in fact. FULL DETAILS HERE

Let's Talk Vitamin C

When I started this blog I considered naming it "confessions" or "adventures of an uninsured hypochondriac" because that is exactly what I am. I ultimately decided against it because (luckily-knock on wood) I don't really get sick that often and I thought that filling up a blog with "this freckle looks weird," and "I know I’ve had this supposed gland for years but can you feel it again" stories would prove boring and repetitive. There was also the issue of staying true to character; if I write about seeing a concert under the headline “hypochondriac” and don’t mention any hypochondria, people might get confused.


The reason I am bringing all of this up is that on Memorial Day I came down with a wicked cold. I mean this bug, which went through both of my bosses, the baby, and then the nannies, lasted a good week and a half before being truly gone (assuming that it isn't still inside me waiting to attack again.) If this wasn't enough to spark my concerns that I had something horribly incurable, this was the second cold I had had in a month.


About two days after returning from Washington DC I came down with a cold which by that Friday had advanced into a sinus infection so bad that it was draining from my eyes. SEXY! The doctor-whom I rushed to see that morning because when I swallowed I had a shooting pain from my mouth to my ear- joked that I had brought home an unwanted souvenir and I easily accepted that I had indeed picked something up sleeping on a bus over night. And yes, when the draining from the eyes started I was convinced I had contracted pink eye or some sort of eye disease that would leave me blind but when it subsided after two days, all worry was gone.


The problem was that I was so relieved that I forgot my slight germaphobia and stopped taking vitamin C when the antibiotics ran out, rather then taking it for at least two weeks after all symptoms were gone to rebuild my system. The reasonable part of my brain says that this, and not a horrible autoimmune disease or a recurring sinus infection masking the almost incurable by the time it shows symptoms Sinus Cancer, is the reason I contracted the second illness in May.


I will not make that mistake again. Prevention is the best medicine and constant hand washing and the subway application of hand sanitizer really isn’t enough. Yes they help and I’m not stopping those methods but I will also be taking vitamin C from now on preventively so that I keep my sick time down to the usual 3 times a year. My apologizes to Mucenex since I will not be single handedly be keeping them in business for June the way I did in May. There are a person who doubt vitamins, that’s their right, but for me it works. Maybe it's psychological but either way, it' good enough for me.