Breaking Dawn Part Two

By the time I walked into the theater to see the fourth and hopefully final Twilight film I was beginning to feel like Enis Del Mar and Jack Twist in Brokeback Mountain and felt the urge to scream at the screen "I wish I knew how to quit you!!" or the less famous, "Why can't you just let me be...I can't stand being like this more!!!"  You see the truth is, I don't hate Twilight, I am actually sadistically drawn to it.  If I simply hated it, I could just ignore it the way I plan to ignore The Hobit but this is so much worse- I am drawn to it, I can't help but watch the trainwreckness of it, feel dirty for having been excited to see it and then blog about it ( see here and here ) It is a sick, strange addiction but this was the light at the end of the tunnel, a few more hours and I would be free of shallow plots, weird pseudo-vampires, and Kristen Stewart's dead eyes.


--------------------------------------SPOILERS TO FOLLOW------------------------------------

There I put a spoiler label so nobody can cmplain that I ruined something from a a movie based on a book that has been out for years.


Part Two focuses on the repercussions of human-turned-vampire Bella and her undead husband creating a half human half vampire child, just your ordinary first world problems. Poor little Renesmee has to deal with a lot of things normal children don't.  She ages Rapidly so that in a few months she appears to be a school aged child. Her maternal grandfather is told that she is adopted because Bella's pregnancy was never explained to him (actually nothing is explained to him he is just told to not ask any questions EVER.)  Her mother's best friend, the shirtless shape shifter is in love with her.  Oh yes, you read that correctly.  An eighteen or nineteen year old is in love with the newborn but you see it isn't his fault because according to werewolf* legend (the one created by Twilight author Stephanie Myer not actual legend) a werewolf* can't help who they imprint on and they are forced to love them forever.  So since it is his natural instinct, biological and nothing Jacob can help, Edward and Bella allow him to be alone with their daughter and even make him the guardian to Renesmee if they should meet their final death.



Now according to the Encyclopedia for Mental Disorders a Pedophile is defined as:

  - a paraphilia that involves an abnormal interest in children.

 

-Most mental health professionals, confine the definition of pedophilia to sexual activity with     prepubescent children, who are generally age 13 or younger.

  -The most common overt aspect of pedophilia is an intense interest in children

-Unfortunately, some pedophiles are professionals who are entrusted with educating or maintaining the   health and well-being of young persons, while others are entrusted with children to whom they are related by blood or marriage. 

The reason I point this out is I want everyone to know two important things about the character  of Jacob Black, nobody blames him for his disease because, indeed he cannot help it but that also, he was written as a textbook pedophile.  Sadly, Edward and Bella refused to see his illness and continue to taught him with their beautiful half breed daughter.



But I digress; the makers of Twilight want you to believe the greatest danger is not oblivious parents or sexual deviants but rather The Volturi- a group of lawmaker vampires who try and keep order in the vampire community (clearly a conservative standpoint against a powerful National Government.)   One of the rules the Volturi has is that there are to be no immortal children because long ago there existed vampire children who possessed more power than could be controlled so anyone who made a vampire child (which they believe Renesmee is) is to be destroyed.  This is the basic conflict of the movie as the Cullens gather all their vampire friends together to "reason with them" to allow everyone to live happily ever after.  This leads to a huge fake out dream battle that doesn't really exist, but where amazingly horrible CGI does and many of the well beloved characters are mamed or killed in the worst looking special effects this side of the 21st century!   My fellow theater goers wailed in horror and screams of, "Oh no not Carlyle!!" and "the book was NOT like this, this is sooooo totes sad," while I was stifling my laughter at the whole cartoonish look and that one scene where Rob Pattenson forgot that Edward isn't British and spoke with his native tongue and nobody caught it in post production.    Luckily the tears of horror turned to tears of relief and delight when it is discovered that the whole battle was a vision that one of the vampires projected so the Vulturi would back off.  The Yolo Crowd and sad moms wept with delight and I laughed freely at them.









Soon after that scene the film, and series, was over with a nice tribute where all of the actors of the franchise were shown in a fitting tribute (even though they hilariously showed both actresses to play the character of Victoria who had been replaced half way through back to back) and I can honestly say it was the only thing done right out of all four movies.  People cried as they walked out to the parking lot, there had even been people giving it a standing ovation which was a fitting end to the laugh-fest I have known as the Twilight Saga.

*I may have touched on this before but if I have it needs to be restated.  The "werewolves" in Twilight, so called, are not werewolves because their turning into giant Scottish terrier looking  creatures as nothing to do with the phases of the moon.