Tranquilizing

When it came time to go back to the shore for my father's court appearance, I still had yet to be in a car driven by my father since the accident. This, coupled with the fact that I was still having flashbacks, led to my doctor prescribing a "mild" tranquilizer to help me survive. The night before we left I took one, slept like a baby and then slept in the car right until we got to the intersection where I sat in the back shaking and crying.

Because of that (and several heart palpitations over the course of the weekend) I decided that I absolutely had to take the tranquilizer for the journey home or I might die. I took it, had a Wawa shake and then passed out in the car. I don’t mean like your normal travel sleep where you are kind of unable to respond but know where you are. I was out until we hit a rest stop where I am told I went to the bathroom and had to hold on to my mother’s hand so I knew which of the eight of her I saw was leading me. I then returned to my coma until we reached home where I saw DJ who had been dead for two weeks.

After vegging out on the couch and having some coffee, I was finally not high as a kite but truth be told, I don't think I was very functional and can't remember much about that day. It was fine for getting through one day but these so called "mild" tranquilizers are only going to be a last resort thing from now on. I'd rather silently panic while being a passenger then live my life in oblivion until the panic stops.

Today was a big a step. I sat in the front passenger seat while my father drove (seating arrangement from the accident) for the first time and the anxiety wasn't so bad. I didn't close my eyes too many times and never felt tightness in my stomach. I did hold my breath a few times but baby steps, healing takes time.