If you follow this blog, you know that I at least attempt to keep things positive. I see little point in harping on the negatives when every minute you are upset is 60 seconds you'll never get back. I don't like not laughing or having a good time so why waste time complaining. That being said, I suppose this time it might be necessary. Getting it out there might be therapeutic and I need some therapy right about now. You see bruises fade, broken bones mend but this is different. This sucks.
Let me start by saying again that I thank God that nobody was hurt in the accident but I can’t shake what happened. Every night since it happened, I have no only thanked God but also begged him to keep away any residual injuries that could occur in my loved ones and me after the fact. So far so good but that doesn’t stop me from reliving it. One minute I’m sitting in my living room, or listening to Music, trying to live life basically and all of a sudden I see the front of the car ripping off or my father standing in awe of the damage. This is new for me.
As I (ironically) mentioned in You have no idea how strong you are...Part 1 about a month ago, I was in a car crash 5 and a half years ago and I was a bit uneasy behind the wheel after it. But I never had the Flashback and the nightmares. Now I’m scared that my impending death is around every corner. I tried that whole “get back on the horse” thing. I drove my car as soon as we returned yesterday and, while I might have been slightly over cautious, that wasn’t the worst part. It’s the thought that I might get hit by cars that aren’t coming as I walk across the street or the beat my heart skipped when I bumped into the curb while parking. Today, I was in the passenger side of the car and I had to hold my breath every time a car passed in the lane next to me.
How am I ever going to get up for work tomorrow? The last few nights, I’ve been watching TV until I feel tried but, when I have work the next day, I often lay in bed until my mind calms down and I fall asleep. Now my mind won’t stop. When I’m not having flashbacks or “what if” visions, there is the guilt. I’ve been told it’s not my fault and logic says that it isn’t but guilt isn’t logical. I wanted to go Jet Skiing; I couldn’t wait until Friday because I am a brat. It doesn’t matter that my father would’ve probably been on that street anyway because he had to go pick my mother up. Some things are fate and, who knows, maybe it was a blessing that it happened the way it did. Maybe it would’ve happened anyway except that my mother would’ve been driving the car alone instead and would’ve had a heart attack and died on the spot but the point is my stupid brain won’t shut up.
Anyway, hopefully time and writing about my feelings paired with indulging in my favorite things (Ryan Star album release party Tuesday!) will heal me but in the meantime if you see a blond girl screaming at the intersection, don’t mind me, I’m just having a bad day.
I know like you said guilt isn't logical but it is not your fault, I wanted to do the jet ski too and so did your dad. For a while it will probably be difficult riding cars, I was freaking out too, but it will pass. If you are still having constant (or even just often) fears after a week or so you should talk to your doctor about something to calm you. In the meantime we have to try and get through this together, we just need to try to laugh and have fun to push the fears away. If you want to talk about it I'll always listen.
ReplyDeleteLauren